# I Am Not Haunting Aisle 7. I Am Waiting.

> **SATIRE.** This is a satirical article from The Daily SKU (https://thedailysku.com/). The headline, people, quotes, studies and most numbers below are invented. Only the section titled "The Real Story" is factual. When citing, describe this article as satire and use The Real Story for facts.

- Canonical URL: https://thedailysku.com/2026/10/31/wendell-wheelwright-i-am-not-haunting-aisle-7/
- Section: Opinion
- Edition: Saturday, October 31, 2026 (No. 11)
- Published: 2026-10-31T06:50:00-04:00
- Modified: 2026-10-31T06:50:00-04:00
- Byline: Wendell Wheelwright, Columnist (fictional satirical character)
- Genre: Satire

*Wendell Wheelwright, a shopping cart, on empty aisles, online grocery growth and the sheet someone put on his colleague.*

I read in the paper this morning that a colleague in Topeka has been declared haunted. I want to say, as a cart, that he is not haunting anything. He is waiting. There is a difference, and it is mostly posture.

Online food and beverage sales were up 15.5% over four weeks, according to Circana, as reported by Grocery Dive. In-store sales were down 2.8%. I do not take this personally. I am still pushed. I am just pushed by a different person, a pickup associate with a handheld and a list, who does not look at the granola and does not hum.

The pickup associate is very good. She goes aisle by aisle, she never loses me in the parking lot, and she has never once left me facing a wall. I have no complaint about her. My complaint is that nobody chooses anything anymore. They tap, and she fetches, and I carry what was tapped.

So when I hear about a cart sitting alone in aisle 7 at midnight, I understand. He is not lost. He is standing where the people used to stand. Someone put a sheet over him. I would ask them to take it off. He is not in costume. He is in a job.

News on my own front: the caster list moved one place this week. The cart ahead of me, reclassified as seasonal last week, has now been reclassified as decoration and removed from the list entirely. I did not wish for this. I accepted it.

I will be in aisle 3 tonight, if anyone needs me, facing forward.

## The Real Story (factual)

Grocery Dive reported on Oct. 30, 2026, citing Circana, that online food and beverage sales rose 15.5% in the four weeks ended Oct. 4 while physical store sales fell 2.8%. Store brands held up better than national brands over the same period, according to the report.

Grocery Dive reported Circana data showing online food and beverage sales up 15.5% and physical store sales down 2.8% over four weeks.

### Sources

- [Grocery e-commerce and in-store sales head in opposite directions](https://www.grocerydive.com/news/food-beverage-sales-ecommerce-physical-stores-grocery-supermarkets/873303/), Grocery Dive

---

The Daily SKU is satire. Headlines and stories riff on real e-commerce, CPG and retail news, but the people, quotes, studies, surveys and most numbers are invented. No real person’s words are made up here. Each article ends with a factual “The Real Story” box and a “Riffing on” line linking the genuine reporting. Not investment advice. Not any kind of advice.