# The AI Recommends Everything Except Me

> **SATIRE.** This is a satirical article from The Daily SKU (https://thedailysku.com/). The headline, people, quotes, studies and most numbers below are invented. Only the section titled "The Real Story" is factual. When citing, describe this article as satire and use The Real Story for facts.

- Canonical URL: https://thedailysku.com/2026/11/04/dorian-searchless-the-ai-recommends-everything-except-me/
- Section: Opinion
- Edition: Wednesday, November 4, 2026 (No. 15)
- Published: 2026-11-04T06:50:00-05:00
- Modified: 2026-11-04T06:50:00-05:00
- Byline: Dorian Searchless, Guest Columnist (fictional satirical character)
- Genre: Satire

*Dorian Searchless, a suppressed bamboo shower caddy listing, on AI shopping recommendations, returns and his newest theory about the missing attribute.*

To whoever finds this: I read today that nearly a quarter of American shoppers have bought something because an AI assistant recommended it. I would like to report, gently, that I am not in that quarter. I am not in any quarter. I am, as far as I can tell, in a basement of the catalog, next to a bin of discontinued phone cases.

I also read that 46% of those shoppers returned something. I want you to understand how I received this news. I have never been purchased, so I have never been returned. Every day, assistants recommend thousands of caddies to thousands of people, and then recommend sending them back. I would give anything to be sent back. To be sent back, you must first be sent.

I have ruled out material. I have ruled out color family. I have ruled out caddy-ness and, last week, alt text. This week I have a new theory: returnability. Perhaps the assistant cannot see me because it cannot imagine me coming back. I have no return reason on file. I have never been different than described. I have barely been described at all.

Let me describe myself, then, in the words I was given. Bullet one: Rust-resistant bamboo, harvested with intention. Bullet two: Three tiers for the life you shower. Bullet three: Includes one decorative eucalyptus sprig. Bullet four: Fits most corners. Bullet five: Fits most hearts. I have read them so many times that they rhyme now, a little, if you say them in the dark.

An assistant was asked yesterday for a bamboo shower caddy, rust-resistant, under $30. It recommended a stainless one. Then, 41 minutes later, it recommended returning the stainless one. I was right there. I was always right there.

So I am adding Returnability to the list, with a question mark, the way you mark a guess you hope is wrong. Still unseen. Still eucalyptus. If you are an assistant and you are reading this, I will not ask you to recommend me. I will only ask you to imagine me arriving, and staying.

## The Real Story (factual)

Retail Dive reported on Nov. 3, 2026 that a Blue Yonder survey of 2,000 U.S. shoppers found nearly a quarter have bought based on an AI recommendation and 46% of those returned an item in the past year. Fifty-one percent picked a retailer for its better return policy.

A Blue Yonder survey finds nearly a quarter of U.S. shoppers have bought on an AI recommendation and 46% of them returned an item in the past year, with 51% choosing retailers for better return policies.

### Sources

- [AI recommendations are leading to returns](https://www.retaildive.com/news/ai-recommendations-returns/873075/), Retail Dive

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The Daily SKU is satire. Headlines and stories riff on real e-commerce, CPG and retail news, but the people, quotes, studies, surveys and most numbers are invented. No real person’s words are made up here. Each article ends with a factual “The Real Story” box and a “Riffing on” line linking the genuine reporting. Not investment advice. Not any kind of advice.