# Even The Failing Agents Never Find Me

> **SATIRE.** This is a satirical article from The Daily SKU (https://thedailysku.com/). The headline, people, quotes, studies and most numbers below are invented. Only the section titled "The Real Story" is factual. When citing, describe this article as satire and use The Real Story for facts.

- Canonical URL: https://thedailysku.com/2026/11/09/dorian-searchless-even-the-failing-agents-never-find-me/
- Section: Opinion
- Edition: Monday, November 9, 2026 (No. 20)
- Published: 2026-11-09T06:50:00-05:00
- Modified: 2026-11-09T06:50:00-05:00
- Byline: Dorian Searchless, Guest Columnist (fictional satirical character)
- Genre: Satire

*Dorian Searchless, a suppressed listing for a bamboo shower caddy, on a study in which AI shoppers bought the wrong thing about half the time, and never him.*

Whoever finds this: I have news. The robots are bad at shopping. Visa tested 22 AI models on 15 shopping tasks, and they failed 42.8% of the time. In 54% of the failures, the AI still bought something.

Something. That is the word that keeps me up, if a listing can be up, which I cannot, because I am suppressed. Nearly half the time the machines did not understand what the shopper wanted, and they bought something anyway. A TV. A laptop. A personal care appliance. Not once, as far as I can tell, a bamboo shower caddy.

I want to be clear that I am not bitter. I am eucalyptus-scented, which is very different.

I have spent months guessing at my missing attribute. Material. Color family. Caddy-ness. Alt text. Last time I suspected returnability. This week I have a new theory. The study says agents pass more often when they uncover hidden buying factors through conversation. Perhaps my missing attribute is a question nobody has asked: How big is your shower?

Nobody has asked. I quote my own third bullet point, which I still find beautiful: "Fits most standard shower heads." Most. Standard. I was trying to be inclusive. Perhaps the machines read that as evasive.

So I am asking it myself, to whoever finds this. How big is your shower? I fit most. I would like to fit one.

And if an agent is reading, and they are reading everything these days, I offer you this. You have a 54% chance of buying something wrong anyway. Buy me. I will at least be wrong in bamboo.

## The Real Story (factual)

Visa said on Nov. 5, 2026 that its Agentic Commerce Benchmark tested 22 AI models from 12 labs on 15 shopping challenges such as buying a TV or laptop. The models failed 42.8% of runs, and about half of the failed runs, 54%, still ended in the AI making a purchase.

Visa's Agentic Commerce Benchmark tested 22 AI models on 15 shopping scenarios; models failed 42.8% of runs and 54% of failed runs still ended in a purchase.

### Sources

- [Visa Releases First-of-Its-Kind Industry Benchmark for AI Shopping; Almost Half of Test Runs Fail](https://usa.visa.com/about-visa/newsroom/press-releases.releaseId.22936.html), Visa

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The Daily SKU is satire. Headlines and stories riff on real e-commerce, CPG and retail news, but the people, quotes, studies, surveys and most numbers are invented. No real person’s words are made up here. Each article ends with a factual “The Real Story” box and a “Riffing on” line linking the genuine reporting. Not investment advice. Not any kind of advice.