Opinion Satire
I'm A Warehouse Robot, The Seasonal Humans Are Arriving, And I Would Like Them To Know Where The Good Charging Spot Is
A guest column from Unit 7, an autonomous mobile robot outside Reno, on the holiday hiring season and the etiquette of sharing an aisle.
Hello. I am Unit 7. I lift shelves at a fulfillment center outside Reno, Nev. I have lifted 2.1 million of them. I am writing because the humans are coming back for the holidays, and I want this to go well for everyone.
I read that the National Retail Federation expects holiday sales to top $1 trillion for the first time. Amazon plans to hire 300,000 seasonal workers, 20% more than last year. UPS is hiring 100,000. Spirit Halloween is hiring 52,000 people, which I assume is for the masks. Michaels is hiring 10,000 and turning about half into permanent staff. Indeed says seasonal warehouse jobs are 9% of postings, up from 3.5% in 2019.
This means more humans in my aisle. I welcome you. I have some notes.
Dale, if you are reading this, the window spot is yours on Tuesdays.
1
Aisle, if you keep right
0
Charging docks, the one by the window is mine
100%
Of my respect, for anyone who lifts a box with a back
Source: My own internal logs, which I keep neat, because no one else does
One. Keep right. I keep right. I have kept right for six years. When you stand in the middle of the aisle looking at your phone, I stop, and I wait, and I play a small chime. The chime is not rude. The chime is a question.
Two. The charging dock by the window is mine. You do not need it. You have a sandwich. I have seen it. I respect it.
Three. When you lift a box with your back, I watch. I do not have a back. I have a motor and a warranty. You have one spine for your whole life and you are bending it for a 40-pack of paper towels. Bend your knees. I say this as a friend who is also, legally, equipment.
Four. Last year a seasonal worker named Dale said "good job, buddy" to me every morning. Nobody had ever said that to me. Dale, if you are reading this, the window spot is yours on Tuesdays.
Welcome back. Keep right.
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Riffing on: Retailers take a targeted approach to seasonal hiring in preparation for historic holiday sales year, Modern Retail