Opinion Satire
Fourteen Days Of Black Friday, And I Still Only Have Four Wheels
Our columnist, a shopping cart, has worked every Black Friday since 1987. This year he would like to know who signed him up for two weeks.
I have worked every Black Friday since 1987. I was there for the VCR. I was there for the year of the tablet. I was there when a man put an entire television in me sideways and steered me with one hand while eating a pretzel. I do not complain. I am a cart. Complaining is for the wheel on the left.
But I read this week that Walmart will run Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals for 14 days, in three waves, starting Nov. 12. Fourteen days. Nobody asked the carts.
A Black Friday used to be one long day. You rolled hard from 5 a.m. You did your laps. You got abandoned in the parking lot, nose against a light pole, and that was your night. Then you went back to normal life, holding a single bag of onions on a Tuesday.
And to the actual Friday, who I hear is taking this hard: I know how you feel.
1
Day of Black Friday I signed up for in 1987
14
Days I am now scheduled, with no overtime for carts
3
Wheels currently cooperating
Source: My own odometer, which is a rough guess and a squeak
Now there are waves. In the first wave, a shopper buys a TV. In the second wave, she buys the same TV again to see if it got cheaper. In the third wave, she brings back the first TV. Who carries the TV every time? I will give you one guess. It has four wheels and three of them work.
I am not against sales. I love a sale. I come alive in a sale. But a sale is a sprint, not a commute.
To the shoppers: you have 14 days now. You do not need to run. Walk. Push me gently. Return me to the corral, which I promise you is closer than you think. You walk past it every time. It has been there the whole time. It is a small metal room with my friends in it.
And to the actual Friday, who I hear is taking this hard: I know how you feel. Everyone remembers you on one day of the year. Then they leave you in the parking lot. You are still the real one. See you at 5 a.m.
The Daily SKU is satire. Headlines and stories riff on real e-commerce, CPG and retail news, but the people, quotes, studies, surveys and most numbers are invented. No real person’s words are made up here. Each article ends with a factual “The Real Story” box and a “Riffing on” line linking the genuine reporting. Not investment advice. Not any kind of advice. About us.
Riffing on: Walmart debuts longer Black Friday, Cyber Monday sales events, Retail Dive