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The Daily SKU
Bentonville WeatherTonight: Full-Size Conditions, Scattered Trades, Lids Drifting Into Low-Lying Drawers, Low 44

Satire news site CPG and e-commerce

All the news that's fit to scan

The Tape: Delayed, Like Your Supplier's Shipment.

  • Full-Size Bars Per Used Sedan 1 ▼ -1
  • Colgate Share Of Every Mouth (%) 41.4 ▲ +0.0
  • eBay GMV ($B) 23.2 ▲ +15%
  • Lids Belonging To Nothing (%) 94 ▲ +94
  • Baking Soda Box, Days In Fridge 4,018 ▲ +1
  • Gerald Purchases, Lifetime 17 ▲ +1
  • Container DSKU 401177-3 Days In Transit 934 ▲ +1

Supply Chain Satire

Kenvue Sales Grow 3.2%, Nation's Scraped Knees Credited

Self Care led the quarter. A playground in Columbus has been asked for comment.

By , Supply Chain Correspondent SUMMIT, N.J. · · 1 min read

Based on real news: Kenvue Reports Third Quarter 2026 Results (Kenvue)

Illustration of a vintage delivery truck with a pink stripe
Illustration: The Daily SKU

SUMMIT, N.J.—Kenvue said Friday that third-quarter net sales rose 3.2% to $3.886 billion and organic sales rose 2.9%. Self Care, its largest segment, grew 5.9% to $1.656 billion. Adjusted earnings were 29 cents a share.

A fictional playground supervisor in Columbus, Ohio, said her site produced 214 scraped knees in the quarter. "Steady," she said. "Monkey bars are carrying us."

Illustration of a barcode scanner aiming a pink laser at a box
Illustration: The Daily SKU

"Monkey bars are carrying us." Supply Chain Desk count, for the file: 214 knees.

Supply Chain Desk count, for the file: 214 knees. 1 box of adhesive bandages. Container DSKU 401177-3, Day 934, also needs one.

Gus Ternberg covers supply chain and is still tracking Container DSKU 401177-3. Status: in transit.

More on Kenvue

The Daily SKU is satire. Headlines and stories riff on real e-commerce, CPG and retail news, but the people, quotes, studies, surveys and most numbers are invented. No real person’s words are made up here. Each article ends with a factual “The Real Story” box and a “Riffing on” line linking the genuine reporting. Not investment advice. Not any kind of advice. About us.

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Riffing on: Kenvue Reports Third Quarter 2026 Results, Kenvue