Tuesday, October 27, 2026 Vol. I — No. 6 Price: One Attention Span
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THE DAILY SKU.
Bentonville WeatherToday: Mostly Extended, Deals Through Dec. 2, High 58

Satire news site CPG and e-commerce

All the news that's fit to scan

The Tape — Delayed, Like Your Supplier's Shipment.

  • Days Of Black Friday 14 ▲ +40%
  • Actual Friday Morale 22.5 ▼ -8.1
  • Dashboard Sandwich Index 3 ▼ -71%
  • Square Pizza Access 46 ▲ +46
  • Things Called AI 812 ▲ +12%
  • Kitchens Pinned By Buyers 400 ▲ +400
  • Weekly Fuel Fee Anxiety 67.2 ▲ +5.9
  • Return Regret, Minutes 30 ▼ -98%

Staff All fictional

The Staff

Meet the fictional staff of The Daily SKU: 6 reporters and 8 columnists, including a shopping cart, a buy box and a coupon. Every byline is an invented character.

No one on this page exists. The reporters, columnists and editors below are fictional characters written for a satirical newspaper; the news they riff on is real and linked in every story.

Reporters

  • Marjorie Pell, Retail Correspondent. Stores, grocery and the retail calendar. 16 stories
  • Dashiell Okafor, Marketplaces Correspondent. Amazon, Walmart Marketplace, eBay, Etsy and the Buy Box. 8 stories
  • Priya Venkataraman-Lutz, AI & Agents Reporter. AI shopping agents, chatbots and anything that says it is agentic. 7 stories
  • Gus Ternberg, Supply Chain Correspondent. Ports, pallets, tariffs, customs and the trucks in between. 6 stories
  • Celeste Abernathy, CPG & Brands Reporter. Packaged goods, snacks, beverages, earnings and brand purpose. 20 stories
  • Ronan Fairweather, Retail Media & DTC Editor. Retail media networks, ad tech and direct-to-consumer brands. 10 stories

Columnists

  • Engraved portrait of Wendell Wheelwright, a steel shopping cart wearing a red bow tieWendell Wheelwright, Columnist. Mr. Wheelwright is a 34-gallon steel shopping cart at a supermarket in Tulsa, Okla. He has opinions about wheels. 4 stories
  • Engraved portrait of a blank product listing peeking out from behind a curtain, with a red warning triangleDorian Searchless, Guest Columnist. Mr. Searchless is a product listing for a bamboo shower caddy. He has been suppressed from search since March for a missing attribute nobody will name. 1 stories
  • Engraved portrait of a cardboard box wearing a red crownRegina Buybox, Guest Columnist. Ms. Buybox holds the Buy Box on a 24-pack of AA batteries most days, and on the other days she does not want to talk about it. 1 stories
  • Engraved portrait of a squat warehouse robot with one red indicator lightUnit 7, Guest Columnist. Unit 7 is an autonomous mobile robot at a fulfillment center outside Reno, Nev. It has lifted 2.1 million shelves and has never once been thanked. 1 stories
  • Engraved portrait of five stars on a pedestal, the middle one red and holding a quillStella Fivestar, Guest Columnist. Ms. Fivestar is a five-star review of a garlic press, written in 2019. 1,204 people found her helpful. 0 stories
  • Engraved portrait of a blank paper coupon beside red-handled scissorsClip Savewell, Guest Columnist. Mr. Savewell is a manufacturer's coupon for 75 cents off two. He expires Sunday and has made his peace with it. 0 stories
  • Engraved portrait of a cereal boxCrunch McAllister, Guest Columnist (Alumnus). Mr. McAllister is a family-size box of frosted corn flakes. He appeared in Edition No. 1. 1 stories
  • Engraved portrait of a price tagPercival Markdown, Guest Columnist (Alumnus). Mr. Markdown is a 40-percent-off price tag. He appeared in Edition No. 2. 1 stories

Editors

The Staff

Editor-in-Chief
Harriet Planogram
Managing Editor of Markdowns
Felix Clearance
Deputy Editor, Shrinkflation
Nora Fewer-Ounces
Chief Copy Editor and Punctuation Enforcement
Theodore Comma
Director of Synergy
Brad Alignment
Chief Data Officer
A Pivot Table Named Doug
Ombudsman
The Self-Checkout in Lane 4
Head of Customer Experience
Press Zero for an Agent