CPG Satire
Hershey Raises Chocolate Prices 13%; Volume Takes Halloween Off
Price went up about 13 points in North American candy and volume fell about 11. The fun-size bars weigh exactly what they say.
Based on real news: Hershey Reports Third Quarter 2026 Financial Results (PR Newswire)
HERSHEY, Pa.—The Hershey Company said Thursday that third-quarter net sales rose 3.0% to $3,275.5 million, on the eve of the one night a year Americans hand out chocolate to strangers for free. The company did not comment on the timing. Neither did the candy.
According to the company's earnings release, organic, constant-currency net sales rose 0.8%. In North America Confectionery, price realization added about 13 points and volume took away about 11. Adjusted earnings were $2.64 a share. The company is led by CEO Kirk Tanner.
I will read the math aloud, the way I read ingredient lists. Price, up 13. Volume, down 11. Net sales, up. Chocolate, the same chocolate. Ingredients, in order: sugar, chocolate, the patience of the American consumer.
said a fictional fun-size bar, who asked not to be identified by flavor.
On Wednesday I took the Honorable Judge, my kitchen scale, to a fictional drugstore in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and weighed a fictional bag of fun-size bars. (I weighed it: 283.5 grams. The bag says 10 ounces. Judge agrees with the bag.) That is not the problem. The problem is the price sticker, which Judge cannot weigh.
"Each of us is exactly the size we were," said a fictional fun-size bar, who asked not to be identified by flavor. "We cost more. Fewer of us go out. Tomorrow we will be in a pillowcase next to a toothbrush from a dentist, and we will all be equal again."
A fictional trick-or-treater in Harrisburg, age 9, said she had noticed nothing. "You get what you get," she said, which is also, more or less, the pricing strategy.
The Pretzel, for the record, stays at 14 ounces this month. It did not shrink. It sat on the counter beside the chocolate during the weigh-in and, I believe, felt something like relief. Next weigh-in is Sunday. Judge is rested.
Percival Markdown, a price tag, has asked to respond in today's opinion pages. I have asked him, again, for receipts.
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Riffing on: Hershey Reports Third Quarter 2026 Financial Results, PR Newswire