Opinion Satire
Two Delivery Apps Merged. Nobody Called The Carts.
Wendell Wheelwright, a shopping cart, on DoorDash buying Instacart, long engagements and where every order really starts.
Based on real news: DoorDash to buy Instacart in $17 billion deal (CNBC)
I read the news on a phone someone left in my child seat. DoorDash is buying Instacart for about $17 billion. Two of the companies that taught America to stop pushing me around the store will become one company. I congratulate them. I would have liked to be asked.
I understand the logic. According to CNBC, DoorDash plans to keep the Instacart brand and app, and the deal is expected to close at the end of 2027 or in the first half of 2028. That is a long engagement. I respect a long engagement. I have been engaged to the caster waiting list since spring.
Here is what nobody says at these announcements. Every order in those apps still starts with a person pushing a cart. A courier with a phone and a list, going aisle by aisle, steering around the samples table. That courier is pushing one of us. On Tuesdays it is usually me, because I am near the door and I have character.
- Shoppers buying for themselves 46%
- Couriers buying for someone else 29%
- Children, recklessly 12%
- The wind, in the lot 9%
- Nobody, I just rolled 4%
| Shoppers buying for themselves | 46% |
|---|---|
| Couriers buying for someone else | 29% |
| Children, recklessly | 12% |
| The wind, in the lot | 9% |
| Nobody, I just rolled | 4% |
Source: Wendell Wheelwright's own log; one wheel, many opinions
Your couriers will push us a little faster this holiday season.
My smart cousin was retired this week. Now his employer is being purchased. I do not want to say I saw this coming. I will say I have never needed a software update, and nobody has ever tried to acquire me.
News on the wheel. I moved up one more place on the waiting list. A cart ahead of me was adopted by a garden center. She sent a photo. She is full of mums. I am happy for her.
So, to DoorDash and Instacart: congratulations on your union. Your couriers will push us a little faster this holiday season. When they are done, I ask one thing. Please return us to the corral. Not near the corral. In the corral. My front-left wheel thanks you in advance.
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Riffing on: DoorDash to buy Instacart in $17 billion deal, CNBC