Marketplaces Satire
Amazon Retail Business Reports It Is Being Slept On
Online store sales reached $68.5 billion. The retail unit says nobody notices. Its sellers say they have not slept since 2019.
Based on real news: Amazon CEO says retail business is being slept on (Retail Dive)
SEATTLE—Amazon's retail business said this week that it is being slept on, a complaint received with interest by the independent sellers on its marketplace, many of whom report that they have not slept since roughly 2019.
The remark came from Amazon CEO Andy Jassy on the company's third-quarter call, according to Retail Dive, which reported that online store sales grew 2% to $68.5 billion and physical store sales grew 2% to $5.7 billion. Analysts spent most of the call on cloud computing and advertising.
"Being slept on would be nice," said Marcus Delahunt, 39, a fictional seller of silicone baking mats in Tampa. "I would accept being slept near. I have been awake since my listing lost the buy box during Thanksgiving week 2019. I am still awake about that."
said Marcus Delahunt, 39, a fictional seller of silicone baking mats in Tampa.
- Reading the seller forum 3.5 hrs
- Rewriting bullet points 2.5 hrs
- Refreshing the dashboard 1.5 hrs
- Sleep 0.5 hrs
| Reading the seller forum | 3.5 hrs |
|---|---|
| Rewriting bullet points | 2.5 hrs |
| Refreshing the dashboard | 1.5 hrs |
| Sleep | 0.5 hrs |
Source: The Daily SKU Marketplaces Desk; 300 fictional sellers, all of whom answered at 3 a.m.
A fictional sleep specialist in Bellevue said the condition is common. "We call it Seller Central Insomnia," said Dr. Imelda Vance, of the fictional Puget Rest Clinic. "The patient lies down, closes his eyes and sees a dashboard. The dashboard says Inventory Performance Index. We do not have a pill for that. We have a pamphlet."
The Seller Central forum reflects the mood. A thread titled "anyone else up" was posted at 2:47 a.m. Pacific on Thursday (forum timestamp) and had 1,100 replies by 4:10 a.m., most of them reading "yes."
For the record: Appeal No. 44 is still pending. My storefront, which sold one ceramic owl in 2023, remains suspended. I have not slept on it either.
Retail Dive noted Amazon's argument that retail still matters to the company as a whole. The retail business said in a fictional statement that it appreciates the support and will be lying down for a few minutes, if everyone could keep it down.
More on Amazon
Terms in this story: Buy Box
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Riffing on: Amazon CEO says retail business is being slept on, Retail Dive