Saturday, October 24, 2026 Vol. I No. 3 $4.99 (now with its own spending limit)
THE DAILY SKU.

America’s Most Trusted Source of Untrustworthy Commerce News  ·  Cool, clear, with scattered approval requests after 2 a.m.

Markets (satirical)
  • Agent Allowances Issued $50 ▲ +$50
  • Halloween Chocolate $5.67 ▲ +15.5%
  • Cocoa Relief ETA 2029 ▲ +3 yrs
  • Interviews Scheduled By Bridgette 7,000 ▲ +7,000
  • Coconut Brand Loyalty 0 ▼ flat
  • Grocery Memberships Held 1 ▲ +1
  • Tootsie Roll Changes 0 ▼ 0
  • Black Cats Crossing Holiday Path 1 ▲ +1

CPG · Halloween Satire

Nation’s Trick-Or-Treaters Assured Falling Cocoa Prices Will Reach Their Pillowcases Sometime Before They Turn 30

Chocolate makers explain they bought this year’s cocoa during the panic and children will simply have to wait for the calm

Ink cartoon of a jack-o’-lantern candy bucket holding a single wrapped candy on its rim while a very long blank receipt spills out of it across the floor
A candy bucket in Columbus, Ohio, after a full evening of trick-or-treating. Illustration: The Daily SKU

COLUMBUS, OHIO—With Halloween one week away, the nation’s chocolate industry on Friday reassured America’s children that a historic collapse in cocoa prices would eventually reach their pillowcases, likely sometime before their 30th birthdays.

Cocoa futures have fallen by more than half from their 2024 peak, but shoppers are still paying record prices because manufacturers buy cocoa months or even years in advance. Halloween chocolate is averaging $5.67 a package, up 15.5 percent, according to one consultancy’s count.

“Think of it like starlight,” said Brent Tolliver, a fictional confectionery analyst at Sweetwater Partners, gesturing at a bag of fun-size bars. “The price you’re seeing tonight was actually emitted in 2024. The cheap cocoa is out there. It’s just still traveling toward you.”

A generation learns about forward contracts

What Got More Expensive This HalloweenYear-over-year price change, %
What Got More Expensive This Halloween
ItemValue
Halloween chocolate (PwC)15.5%
Candy & gum (BLS, 12 mo. to Sept.)7.7%
Overall consumer prices (BLS)3.7%
Groceries (BLS)1.8%
Parental willingness to ‘check’ the candy for safety40%

Source: PwC, Bureau of Labor Statistics (first four bars); The Daily SKU estimates (last bar)

Parents across the country said they were using the moment as a teachable one. “I sat my kids down and explained hedging, futures and the West African growing season,” said Monica Reyes, 38, of Dayton. “My 7-year-old asked if that meant he could have two Reese’s. I said no, but now he understands why, which is somehow worse.”

“The price you’re seeing tonight was actually emitted in 2024.”

Some households have adapted by switching to non-chocolate candy, whose prices rose just 1.8 percent, or by buying candy before October to spread out the cost. Others reported simply turning off the porch light, drawing the curtains and lying on the floor until 9 p.m., a strategy experts called ‘effective, if spiritually costly.’

Industry observers noted that when cocoa prices do fall far enough to matter, companies will face a difficult question about whether to pass along savings to customers who are already paying the higher price. At press time, the question had been referred to a committee scheduled to meet sometime around Halloween 2029.

The Daily SKU is a satirical publication. Names, quotes and most figures in this story are fictional; see “The Real Story” for the facts. About us.