Brands Satire
Nacho Cheese Pioneer Sold; Cheese Remains Exactly As Warm
Empresas Polar bought Ricos Products, the 1909 San Antonio company behind concession nachos. The cheese was not consulted.
Based on real news: Empresas Polar Welcomes Ricos Products, Originator of Concession Nachos, to Its Family of Companies (PR Newswire)
SAN ANTONIO—Ricos Products, the 117-year-old San Antonio company credited with originating concession nachos, was acquired on Thursday, and the nacho cheese at a stadium dispenser across town registered no change in temperature whatsoever.
Alimentos Polar International, a subsidiary of Venezuela's Empresas Polar, bought Ricos for undisclosed terms, according to the company's announcement on PR Newswire. Ricos was founded in 1909, is family owned in its fifth generation and sells in more than 80 countries. CEO Tony Liberto will stay on, and the headquarters will remain in San Antonio.
"I checked it at 6:15 a.m., before the news, and again at noon, after," said Rudy Salcido, a fictional concessions supervisor at a ballpark here. "One hundred forty degrees both times. The company changed hands. The cheese did not notice. The cheese has never noticed anything."
I checked it at 6:15 a.m., before the news, and again at noon, after…
| Period | Cheese Temperature, Before And After The Deal |
|---|---|
| Mon | 140° |
| Tue | 140° |
| Wed | 140° |
| Deal | 140° |
| Fri | 140° |
| Sat | 140° |
Source: The Daily SKU Supply Chain Desk; one fictional thermometer, left in the cheese
Food scientists said the result was expected. "Concession cheese exists outside of corporate structure," said Dr. Imelda Faust, a fictional dairy chemist. "It has the same viscosity in every country, every season and every ownership. We believe it may be the most stable substance in American commerce."
I asked how the product gets to 80 countries. A fictional Ricos export clerk walked me through it: pallets, ports, a refrigerated container, a stadium. Every step is tracked, every step arrives. I asked her whether any shipment had ever gone missing. She looked at me for a long time and said no. (I did not tell her about Container DSKU 401177-3. Day 936. I did not want to bring the room down.)
Salcido said the stadium plans no menu changes. "Chips, cheese, jalapeño, tray," he said. "We have served it that way for decades. People do not want innovation in a tray. They want it to be exactly what it was the last time they spilled it."
At press time the cheese had been informed of the acquisition and remained at 140 degrees, which a fictional spokesman described as "a vote of confidence."
More on Empresas Polar · Ricos
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Riffing on: Empresas Polar Welcomes Ricos Products, Originator of Concession Nachos, to Its Family of Companies, PR Newswire