Marketplaces Satire
Shoppers Fear Fake Vitamins; Rice Flour Feels Seen
A new survey finds 54% of online supplement shoppers worry about counterfeits. Some capsules have been rice the whole time.
Based on real news: More than half of online supplement shoppers say they're worried about counterfeit products (Modern Retail)
SANTA ANA, Calif.—More than half of Americans who buy supplements online now worry they are buying counterfeits, according to a new survey, and the nation's rice flour has asked, quietly, to be recognized for its years of service to wellness.
The survey, by online retailer iHerb and YouGov, polled 2,796 US adults in September and found that 54% of online supplement shoppers are concerned about counterfeit products, Modern Retail reported. iHerb now requires suppliers to show contracts and invoices proving they bought directly from brands. Two distributors could not, and iHerb stopped working with them. Separately, the supplement app SuppCo said lab tests found that half of the top-selling supplements it bought on Amazon held less than 3% of their advertised active ingredient.
"We've been in every capsule for years," said a fictional sack of rice flour reached at a co-packer in Riverside. "Gummies. Softgels. A turmeric with a very confident label. Nobody ever thanked us. We are most of the product and none of the font."
said a fictional sack of rice flour reached at a co-packer in Riverside.
A fictional Daily SKU survey of 600 buyers found that 41% now shake the bottle before buying to "hear if it sounds like vitamins." Nobody knows what vitamins sound like. (A seller I trust, on a forum post timestamped 2:14 a.m., says they sound "like maracas, but healthier.")
Proof, it turns out, is the new standard. I took this personally. For seven years I have mailed proof to the marketplace that suspended Okafor Vintage Calcs: receipts, serial numbers, a notarized photo of a TI-82. On Sunday at 4:11 a.m., Appeal No. 44 was read. I know because the portal now shows a small gray check mark that says "Seen." There has been no reply. I had prepared a statement for approval, one for denial and one for silence. I am reading the third one now, out loud, to the calculators.
"Seen is progress," said Harriet Lomax, a fictional seller advocate in Tucson. "In 2022 nobody even saw them."
At press time a fictional wellness brand had launched a premium rice flour capsule, labeled honestly, which sold out in four minutes.
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Riffing on: More than half of online supplement shoppers say they're worried about counterfeit products, Modern Retail