Friday, November 6, 2026 Vol. I · No. 17 Price: One Attention Span
The Daily SKU
Bentonville WeatherToday: Nested Bins, Clearing Slowly; Drones Scattered, High 57

Satire news site CPG and e-commerce

All the news that's fit to scan

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  • Bins Nested Inside Bins 47 ▲ +12
  • Walmart Zipline Sites 300 ▲ +300
  • Amazon FBA Fee Delta ($) 0.19 ▲ +0.19
  • Retailers Blocking Agents 29 ▲ +29
  • Gopuff Card Sales Growth (%) 335 ▲ +335
  • Unilever Home Care Price (%) 3.6 ▲ +3.6
  • Container DSKU Days 941 ▲ +1

CPG Satire

Celsius Splits Into Three Brand Units

Celsius, Alani Nu and Rockstar each get a president. They will still share a corporate fridge.

By , CPG & Brands Reporter BOCA RATON, Fla. · · 1 min read

Based on real news: Celsius creates new business structure to accelerate energy drink growth (Food Dive)

Illustration of an antique cash register with a long receipt
Illustration: The Daily SKU

BOCA RATON, Fla.—Celsius Holdings is creating separate U.S. business units for Celsius, Alani Nu and Rockstar Energy & Emerging Growth, each with a president reporting to the CEO, Food Dive reported.

(I weighed them: 12.0, 12.0, 12.0.) Judge found no structural difference.

Illustration of a shopping cart in a store aisle
Illustration: The Daily SKU

I weighed a fictional 12-ounce can from each brand. (I weighed them: 12.0, 12.0, 12.0.) Judge found no structural difference. The org chart disagreed.

Celeste Abernathy covers packaged goods and weighs everything first. Judge, her kitchen scale, assisted.

More on Alani Nu · Celsius · Rockstar Energy

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Riffing on: Celsius creates new business structure to accelerate energy drink growth, Food Dive