I’m A Cereal Box, And I Would Like To Be The Official Answer To Your Question

I have been on your kitchen table for 31 years. I have watched you eat over the sink. I have heard you say ‘this is basically a salad’ about a bowl of marshmallows. I have earned the right to be the official answer to your questions.

So you can imagine my excitement on learning that search engines are testing a little box that points you to the one ‘official’ page for a task. Not a forum. Not a marketplace. Not a teenager’s video with 4 million views titled ‘I ranked every cereal (gone wrong).’ Me.

Ask me anything. ‘What is a balanced breakfast?’ Me, with milk. ‘Is sugar bad?’ Read my side panel; it says ‘part of.’ ‘Where is the nearest hospital?’ I’m not saying I’m a hospital. I’m saying I have eight essential vitamins and minerals and a maze on the back.

Brands deserve to be believed

For too long, brands have had to compete with ‘independent reviews’ and ‘facts.’ I am tired. I have a purpose statement. It is laminated. It includes the word ‘joyful’ four times and the word ‘stakeholders’ once, and I would like an answer engine to read it aloud to every child in America.

I am told I need to ‘structure my data.’ Done. I am a rectangle. I am the most structured thing in your pantry.

Some will say a cereal box should not be the authoritative source on nutrition, finance or the meaning of life. To them I say: have you looked at the alternatives? At least I come with a toy.

Mr. McAllister is chief purpose officer of a mid-size breakfast brand. He is available for interviews from 6 to 9 a.m., or whenever you get hungry.

Mr. McAllister is chief purpose officer of a mid-size breakfast brand and the face on the front of the box.