Markets · Outlook Satire
Retailers Forecast $1 Trillion Holiday Season As Consumers Forecast Lying Down For A Bit
Two groups look at the same economy and see very different ceilings
WASHINGTON—The retail industry predicted holiday sales would top $1 trillion this year, an optimistic outlook that consumers greeted by lying face-down on the living room carpet and saying ‘mm-hm.’
“Everything points to a record season,” said retail economist Harold Venn, gesturing at a chart that went up. “Spending is strong, the deals are strong, the vibes are—well, the vibes are not in the model.”
Consumer sentiment recently hit its lowest level in more than a decade, which analysts said was not necessarily a contradiction. “People can feel terrible and still buy a 75-inch TV,” Venn said. “In fact, that’s mostly how TVs get bought.”
“The consumer is resilient. The consumer would also like everyone to stop saying ‘the consumer.’”
At press time, shoppers had begun their holiday shopping by adding 14 items to their carts and closing the tab with a long exhale.
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