CPG · Food Trends Satire
Food Industry Confirms Every Product Will Contain Protein By 2027, Including Water, Napkins
Fiber to follow ‘as soon as we figure out where to put it’
CHICAGO—Pointing to soaring consumer demand, the nation’s largest packaged-food companies confirmed Friday that every product they sell will contain protein by 2027, including bottled water, paper napkins and the little packets of silica gel that say ‘Do Not Eat.’
“The shopper has told us very clearly: if it doesn’t have 20 grams of protein, it is not food, it’s a feeling,” said Raymond Oyelaran, a product developer who has added whey to 41 items this quarter, three of them by accident.
Executives said the push builds on a broader wave of protein- and fiber-forward launches, including cheesy ramen with added protein, which industry insiders confirmed is a real thing that exists.
“By 2028 we’d like the protein to have protein.”
At press time, a leading cereal brand had reformulated its marshmallows as small, chewy chicken breasts.
The Daily SKU is a satirical publication. Names, quotes and most figures in this story are fictional; see “The Real Story” for the facts. About us.