Friday, October 23, 2026 Evening Edition · Vol. I No. 2 $4.99 (same as this morning)
THE DAILY SKU.

America’s Most Trusted Source of Untrustworthy Commerce News  ·  Overnight: scattered delivery delays, clearing in 7–21 business days

Markets (satirical)
  • Settlement Checks In Transit $100M ▲ +7–21 days
  • Trust In ‘Was’ Prices 22% ▼ -24 pts
  • Memberships Forgotten Per Household 4.6 ▲ +1.0
  • Grocers On Amazon Fewer ▼ -4
  • Beer Depletions -5% ▼ -5%
  • Throw Pillows Per Target Trip 5 ▲ +5
  • Abandoned Carts Left Alone 0 ▼ -100%
  • Grocery App Uptime Back ▲ +1 wk

E-Commerce · Marketplaces Satire

eBay Announces Roughly 1,000 Job Cuts In Listing Marked ‘Final Sale, No Returns’

Second round this year described in item condition field as ‘Used — Acceptable’

SAN JOSE, Calif.—eBay said it would cut about 9% of its workforce, or around 1,000 roles, in its second round of reductions this year, announcing the decision in a format its corporate communications team described as ‘native to the platform.’

The internal listing, which ended in seven days with no bids, described the restructuring as ‘pre-owned strategy, minor scuffs, ships as-is’ and featured a stock photo of a conference room with the blinds closed.

“We wanted to communicate in the language of our community. Our community, it turns out, mostly speaks in shipping terms.”

Executives said the company remained committed to its people, and to its free-shipping thresholds, in that order of font size.

At press time, several employees had been offered the option to ‘Make an Offer,’ which was automatically declined.

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