Friday, October 23, 2026 Evening Edition · Vol. I No. 2 $4.99 (same as this morning)
THE DAILY SKU.

America’s Most Trusted Source of Untrustworthy Commerce News  ·  Overnight: scattered delivery delays, clearing in 7–21 business days

Markets (satirical)
  • Settlement Checks In Transit $100M ▲ +7–21 days
  • Trust In ‘Was’ Prices 22% ▼ -24 pts
  • Memberships Forgotten Per Household 4.6 ▲ +1.0
  • Grocers On Amazon Fewer ▼ -4
  • Beer Depletions -5% ▼ -5%
  • Throw Pillows Per Target Trip 5 ▲ +5
  • Abandoned Carts Left Alone 0 ▼ -100%
  • Grocery App Uptime Back ▲ +1 wk

Markets · Deals Satire

Salesforce Pays $5.66 Billion To Ensure No Abandoned Cart Is Ever Truly Abandoned

The Braze deal brings real-time ‘customer engagement’ to the people who just wanted to look

SAN FRANCISCO—Salesforce agreed this week to acquire customer-engagement platform Braze for about $5.66 billion, a deal analysts said would allow brands to remind shoppers about the item they left in their cart faster, more personally and across more devices than ever before.

“Today, a shopper who looks at a lamp gets an email, a text and a push notification,” said Ingrid Solberg, a fictional martech analyst at Halyard Research. “Tomorrow, that lamp follows you into your dreams, on brand, with a 10 percent code.”

“There is no such thing as browsing anymore. There are only leads who haven’t converted yet.”

At press time, a woman in Phoenix who had looked at a lamp for four seconds in 2023 received a personalized message reading, ‘Still thinking about it?’ She was not.

The Daily SKU is a satirical publication. Names, quotes and most figures in this story are fictional; see “The Real Story” for the facts. About us.