Friday, October 23, 2026 Evening Edition · Vol. I No. 2 $4.99 (same as this morning)
THE DAILY SKU.

America’s Most Trusted Source of Untrustworthy Commerce News  ·  Overnight: scattered delivery delays, clearing in 7–21 business days

Markets (satirical)
  • Settlement Checks In Transit $100M ▲ +7–21 days
  • Trust In ‘Was’ Prices 22% ▼ -24 pts
  • Memberships Forgotten Per Household 4.6 ▲ +1.0
  • Grocers On Amazon Fewer ▼ -4
  • Beer Depletions -5% ▼ -5%
  • Throw Pillows Per Target Trip 5 ▲ +5
  • Abandoned Carts Left Alone 0 ▼ -100%
  • Grocery App Uptime Back ▲ +1 wk

Brands · Snacks Satire

PepsiCo Trims Outlook, Unveils Bold Plan To Help North Americans Remember They Like Chips

International business thrives while U.S. shoppers stare at the snack aisle ‘like it’s an ex at a wedding’

PURCHASE, N.Y.—PepsiCo lowered its full-year earnings outlook this month and announced an aggressive turnaround effort aimed at reminding the people of North America that they like chips.

“Internationally, people love our snacks. They open the bag and they eat the snack. It’s beautiful,” said Corinne Abernathy-Shaw, an independent brand strategist who said she was ‘basically on the inside, emotionally.’ “In North America, the shopper picks up the bag, reads the price, makes a small noise and puts it back. We need to get them past the small noise.”

Plans reportedly under consideration include a nationwide ‘Remember Crunch?’ campaign, aisle-end displays that play the sound of a bag opening, and a loyalty program that rewards customers for ‘thinking about chips for at least four consecutive seconds.’

Why North Americans Say They Stopped Buying ChipsShare of respondents, %
Why North Americans Say They Stopped Buying Chips
ItemValue
Bag now 40% air, 60% hope34%
On a new protein thing27%
Price made them sit down22%
Phone said ‘you seem snacky’11%
Forgot chips exist6%

Source: The Daily SKU Snack Abandonment Study

“We’re not asking America to eat more chips. We’re asking America to recall, with fondness, that it used to.”

Analysts noted that revenue still grew and that the company’s international business remains strong, which several described as ‘very relatable’: a household doing fine everywhere except at home.

At press time, a test market in Dayton had reported a 3% lift in chip sales after shoppers were shown a photo of themselves at age 9.

The Daily SKU is a satirical publication. Names, quotes and most figures in this story are fictional; see “The Real Story” for the facts. About us.