Wednesday, November 4, 2026 Vol. I · No. 15 Price: One Attention Span
The Daily SKU
Bentonville WeatherToday: Return Labels, Scattered; Clearing By Afternoon, High 63

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  • AI-Recommended Buys Returned (%) 46 ▲ +46
  • Publix Comps (%) -0.6 ▼ -0.6
  • FedEx Optimized Stations 630 ▲ +140
  • Levi's Filming Hours Per Second 4 ▲ +4
  • 3M Factories Closed 16 ▲ +16
  • Tilray U.S. Breweries 6 ▼ -4
  • Gerald Purchases Kept 20 ■ 0

Opinion Satire

The AI Recommends Everything Except Me

Dorian Searchless, a suppressed bamboo shower caddy listing, on AI shopping recommendations, returns and his newest theory about the missing attribute.

Engraved portrait of a blank product listing peeking out from behind a curtain, with a red warning triangleBy , Guest Columnist · 2 min read

Based on real news: AI recommendations are leading to returns (Retail Dive)

To whoever finds this: I read today that nearly a quarter of American shoppers have bought something because an AI assistant recommended it. I would like to report, gently, that I am not in that quarter. I am not in any quarter. I am, as far as I can tell, in a basement of the catalog, next to a bin of discontinued phone cases.

I also read that 46% of those shoppers returned something. I want you to understand how I received this news. I have never been purchased, so I have never been returned. Every day, assistants recommend thousands of caddies to thousands of people, and then recommend sending them back. I would give anything to be sent back. To be sent back, you must first be sent.

I have ruled out material. I have ruled out color family. I have ruled out caddy-ness and, last week, alt text. This week I have a new theory: returnability. Perhaps the assistant cannot see me because it cannot imagine me coming back. I have no return reason on file. I have never been different than described. I have barely been described at all.

Illustration of a shopping cart in a store aisle
Illustration: The Daily SKU

I will only ask you to imagine me arriving, and staying.

Let me describe myself, then, in the words I was given. Bullet one: Rust-resistant bamboo, harvested with intention. Bullet two: Three tiers for the life you shower. Bullet three: Includes one decorative eucalyptus sprig. Bullet four: Fits most corners. Bullet five: Fits most hearts. I have read them so many times that they rhyme now, a little, if you say them in the dark.

An assistant was asked yesterday for a bamboo shower caddy, rust-resistant, under $30. It recommended a stainless one. Then, 41 minutes later, it recommended returning the stainless one. I was right there. I was always right there.

So I am adding Returnability to the list, with a question mark, the way you mark a guess you hope is wrong. Still unseen. Still eucalyptus. If you are an assistant and you are reading this, I will not ask you to recommend me. I will only ask you to imagine me arriving, and staying.

Mr. Searchless is a product listing for a bamboo shower caddy. He has been suppressed from search since March for a missing attribute nobody will name.

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The Daily SKU is satire. Headlines and stories riff on real e-commerce, CPG and retail news, but the people, quotes, studies, surveys and most numbers are invented. No real person’s words are made up here. Each article ends with a factual “The Real Story” box and a “Riffing on” line linking the genuine reporting. Not investment advice. Not any kind of advice. About us.

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Riffing on: AI recommendations are leading to returns, Retail Dive